Duty vs. Boundaries vs. Personal Mission
Hey everyone. Welcome back to Level Ups monthly blog, your safe and soft space to land.
In Level Up’s last blog I spoke about boundaries being a Western Concept, linking it to Black, Asian and Global Majority communities living in community and the impact this may have. Following this, I facilitated a safe space discussion with the Level Up Community on the impact of boundaries. We had an open, honest and raw discussion on individuals journeys to boundary setting, some of the challenges as well as some of the wins and opportunities.
A key theme that came up in the discussion that I want to unpack with you all today is duty. In particular, duty as a barrier to setting boundaries.
Let’s start with a definition:
Duty is something that you have to do because it is part of your job, or something that you feel is the right thing to do. As women we’ve been socialised to perform gender roles such as cooking, cleaning, being the ‘second mum’ to younger siblings, having to consider the emotions and wellbeing of the family above your own; the examples go on and on.
For many of us global majority women, we experience a sense of duty that’s tied to our identity. Duty to our families, friends, colleagues and workplaces, heck even to our future generations. This is embedded in a cultural, traditional and societal phenomenon that women are nurturers, that we can self-sacrifice and seeing this generation after generation, we’re taught that this makes us good and worthy women and girls.
The idea of a “good girl” is something I want to unpack. For many of us, when we set a boundary and the guilt sets in - it’s often because in that moment we are no longer the “good girl” or the “respectful girl”. Because we are so conditioned to be good, that when we are not this person all the time, it may feel that we are losing a part of ourselves. It might also feel like in the spaces where we are used to feeling respected, we no longer feel the respect. It can leave us feeling a bit lost. We may go back to not setting boundaries because we like feeling valued in the way that we’re used to, rather than holding space for the value that will come overtime to you after setting a boundary.
It might be that there are roles and duties that you do enjoy, that you want to uphold. I am under no false pretence that one day we wake up and wash our hands off those we care for, the work we care about etc. We wouldn’t want that either and at the same time, if we continue seeking value and respect in spaces that don’t value and respect our boundaries, we will lose ourselves.
The thing about boundaries is, it’s about choice. Duty and patriarchy will condition us into feeling we don’t have a choice. It feels impossible to come out of that when you’re in it. The concept of boundaries is choice based. You do have a choice and your boundary is a tool that allows you to exert that choice.
This brings me to the Four Principles of Empowerment that Level Up is founded on, particularly autonomy and capability:
Autonomy: We have the ability to feel good, confident, happy and make decisions for ourselves.
Capability: Knowing that we are capable. Knowing what we are capable of (we are capable of choosing our boundaries). Our strengths. Our likes. What makes us happy. The impact we want to have in the world
Community: Having and knowing genuine connection, belonging and significance to others
Fulfilment: Intrinsic motivation and connection to your mission
As I write this, I’m recognising how this comes back to fulfilment - what is the mission? What is your mission? What do you want to be known for?
Can we put our duty toward that mission rather than others? And what do we need to do to be able to exercise a choice in the boundaries we want to exert?
Is it about a change in environment? Is it about seeking the mission itself? There is a lot of narrative that centres putting ourselves first and filling our cup. It may sometimes feel like “well I can’t do that because I have responsibilities toward x y z”.
Well, let’s make what patriarchy has conditioned us to believe work for us - where we are used to having duty toward others, how about we think of duty toward our mission instead. And mission doesn’t just have to be solely a professional one it is fundamentally about what you want to be known for and then, how you will go about doing that. So I leave you with the coaching question:
What do you want to be known for?
If the mission feels too big, or what do you want to be known for feels to big,what do you want to be known for right now? Start there.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on duty vs. boundaries vs. personal mission. Does this resonate? What else would you add to these thoughts?
Love, solidarity and light,
Trisha Chauhan-Baiden, Level Up London
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What we’ve been up to:
Here’s some community members at the end of our online safe space discussion on navigating the impact of boundaries. Such a beautiful space, filled with inspiring women on different life journeys, sharing experiences and uplifting each other on the way.
What else we’ve been up to:
On Wednesday 15th May the Level Up community went to Ballet Black: Heroes, with our community member Christina McDougall as Assistant Producer!
What we have coming up:
Saturday 1st June: Level Up London Outing to Swim Aunty Swim, by Siana Bangura, Level Up Community Member!
Monday 3rd June: Level Up London Empower Hour, online
*Reflections from this outing and session to come in next blog! Stay tuned.